Escaping the friendzone (3)

BRIEF NOTE. Last time I announced I’d be sharing people’s stories- but I think recognising the mistake that get us zoned is a bit more important than sorry stories. I appreciate the feedback I’m getting (REALY, I DO. I got about 1,000 views on the friendzone series alone!)

I will be addressing this third instalment to guys. Because from the polls I conducted on this blog, and via google analytics I confirmed that to a great extent, guys are friendzoned far more than the girls.

So for all the feminists out there, this article is not gender-blind, thank you.

Finally Today’s free download is by StageOne, a Rock band based in Jos, Nigeria. I was privileged to meet them some years back (and last year as well, yay me!). They’re out with their EP “The Rising” and the song “Rise Again” is my favourite track on the EP. Hope it inspires you like it still does for me J

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I think I’ve sugarcoated this topic enough. You think she’s the enemy? Well if SHE is the enemy, how come it keeps happening to YOU alone? It doesn’t make sense does it- all the other guys who aren’t half as nice as you get the best girls. Or the “bad boys” keep hooking up and the good ones like you get stuck forever in the friendzone. Then you console yourself, again by watching movies where the geek finally strikes a fortune by inventing something (or discovering his basketball potential when he’s already 25). In those movies, the cheerleader always ends up realising her mistake and falling for the nice geek.

**slapping your face dramatically**

Wake up, you dummy. Those movies are made by people who think love and sex are synonyms (let's not argue about that. you definitely don't LOVE a hooker you picked up in the street), who would make anything to sell movie tickets. Let’s get real. YOU are the enemy.

C’mon, Say it- “I am my own enemy!”

I did a little research to see what others think about the friendzone, and I saw that they held the same opinions on the causes of the friendzone. “we” all seem to agree on (I say “we” because I like feeling like a blogger, lol) the doorways to your getting zoned.

TELL ME, PETER. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE GETTING ZONED?

1.       YOU’RE A NICE PERSON

Because you’re “nice”, you tend to want to make everyone feel okay. You’d bend over backwards as long as it makes someone else happy. Because you’re nice, you literally take shit from people, and you do nothing about it. Why? Because you dislike confrontations- you don’t want people to feel bad. So instead of you to stand up for yourself, you let people trample on you, make excuses for their bad behaviour.

How does this relate to you getting zoned? No woman wants to be left unprotected. She wants to know that in you she has a protector. It doesn’t REALLY have to do with muscles (although muscles are a nice bonus ;)). So you see a nice girl hooking up with a BAD guy because he possesses the ability to do what YOU cannot. He can stand up for himself! And therefore he can stand up for her!

You on the other hand take everything she throws at you and don’t complain. At the slightest opportunity you apologise for speaking out against what you don’t like!

If you want to stop getting into the zone, learn to make it clear the things you like and the things you don’t. Learn to say NO, and to say STOP when you don’t want something to continue. If she likes you, she’ll stay.

2.       YOU HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM

This may be difficult for you to accept, but a worrisome number of the people that get zoned suffer from low self-esteem. There’s something about you that makes you feel insecure. Maybe when you were growing up, people made fun of your head, legs, teeth, height or the way you walk (or you’re a dude with a really big butt, lol). Maybe you don’t like the sound of your voice or you feel you’re physically unattractive.

This makes lots of us (me included) to value any little attention people show us. When a girl calls you go gaga. When she texts, you read it like 1 million times to convince yourself she really meant something else. BECAUSE OF THIS, you tend to over-reward people’s attention. They text you once, you send 2 in reply; then you send a 3^rd to explain the 2^nd, then you send the 4^th to laugh at how silly the conversation is looking. You leave a person’s house to go to yours, then you call to say you’ve got home. Then you call later to ask if everything’s okay over there.

Because you’re insecure, you tend to overcompensate for what you think you’re lacking; and you make excuses for their lack of attention, apparent signs that this person really doesn’t want to hang out with you that much. If you call someone twice and they don’t pick- if there’s no serial-killer out there waiting to kill them I see no reason why you should keep calling or texting. Why should you ask “did you see my missed calls/texts”? If they did and were willing and ready to talk to you they’d have returned the call/replied. When you keep stalking someone like this, it creeps them out!

If you want to stay out of the zone, Learn to recognise your self-worth. If you don’t see the good about yourself, no one else will. Except you’re in a movie.

3.       YOU’RE IN A HURRY TO IMPRESS

This cause still stems from the low-esteem root. Because you’re insecure about yourself, you want to impress too quickly. You just met a girl last week and you’re thinking about long moonlit walks with your daughter in her arms. You shower her with gifts ranging from airtime on her phone, to expensive jewellery. You ignore all her obvious flaws and tell her she’s perfect.

You celebrate how cool you guys are and maybe (for the more stupid of us menfolk) you start hinting at what a great couple you guys will make. You make her feel like a queen and you think she’s gonna keel over and kiss your feet. Son, that so isn’t going to happen.

Then there's the side of you that makes you want to ask a girl out within 5 hours of meeting her. In movies, maybe (or in a club where everyone is high on pot) she might say yes. But in reality that's one of the fastest ways to make her run.

She’ll just learn to love the side of you that’s always giving, always making her feel perfect. When she stays that long in that safe zone, she’ll never want to come out. When you what to step things up, you’ll usually get a response like “hey, aren’t we okay here? Everything is just perfect- I couldn’t ask for more”

If you want to avoid the friendzone, don’t throw money around too early. Allow them to earn a place in your life before you start showering them with attention and…money J

4.       YOU’RE FAKE

In trying to be cool, many times guys who don’t normally swear will be dropping F-bombs all over the country. Or they project this persona that isn’t really them! It is a manifestation of low self-esteem when you try to be the person you’re not. Talk the way you normally do, laugh the way you laugh. Dress the way you dress. I think ladies are psychic…they can actually tell when you’re faking it. So they pick their way through the lies you’ve woven and place you in the place you really belong- where you’ll do the job for free.

5.       YOU’RE TOO EAGER TO HELP

It’s beginning to sound as if it’s wrong to be nice, isn’t it? You’re so nice, you want to help with everything. From fixing broken items, to fixing broken hearts. How many of you reading this met this really nice girl when she was recovering from a bad breakup- and you were there for her? You had all these meaningful conversations about following your heart no matter the odds…then she surprised you by going back to the same abusive boyfriend? Or she hooked up with some other dude that seemingly showed up from nowhere!

Because we’re eager to help, we take on more than we can chew. We bend our schedules, we go impossible lengths just to get things right FOR them, and we think for being a knight-in-shining-armour she will open her arms to us! Lie, lie , lie!!!!

A girl naturally wants a shoulder to cry on, a pillow to hug when she’s lonely. She wants an ally when she’s facing rough times. She wants a girlfriend who she can share anything with- but sadly all the good ones are either far away or in competition with her/lost in the arms of some other guy. So she picks the next available couch. YOU. You become her secret-keeper, her war advisory council, her central bank when she needs money (and YOU’LL insist she shouldn’t pay back). When you try to step things up, you hear reactions like “you’re my best friend, I don’t wanna lose you”. WOW, just WOW

If you want to stay out of the zone, don’t get too involved in people’s problems. Do the bit you can possibly do- give good advice, assist, but don’t get personal with their problems!

6.       YOU ARE TOO NEEDY

This happens to be the flip side of being too helpful. Some guys are so needy- they dump all their problems on the one girl who happens to have their time. They become so self-absorbed that they forget this girl has a life to live. Complaining from morning till night, talking with her about what’s going wrong your life may get you more time with her, but dude the more you cling to her, the faster she runs. Now that you’re just friends you want to drown her in your tears, what happens if you eventually get together?

If you want to stay out of the zone, learn to deal with your problems yourself.

7.       YOU HAVE NO FOCUS

Yep, that counts too. Many people are walking about and have no idea what they want out of life, of school of a relationship. So they don’t REALLY recognise a potential mate when they see them. They treat a future wife/girl like they would any girl in their piano class/church group. One day, they think this girl is awesome, the next they think THAT OTHER GIRL is the bomb. So it’s Nkechi today, Bola tomorrow, Jennifer the next, Zainab on Thursday, Jacinta on Friday. All these girls are swimming all over your head.

Check yourself- if your phonebook/contacts list contains more than 60% single females, you’re a potential friendzone waiting to happen. Check yourself- if you’re constantly surrounded by lots of pretty girls who laugh with you, love-you-so-much, but NEVER actually go out on a date with you, you’re not a ladies-man- you’re a friendzone disaster waiting to happen... I once told this girl I really did like her and she went, “oh peter, you’re so cute. You like EVERY girl. I really hope you find someone nice that'll love you for who you are!”. No girl would ever take you serious if she sees you’re constantly surrounded by attractive girls!

If you want to stay out of the zone, be focused. Define what you want and do not want in your girlfriend/wife…and stick to it. Did you ever hear that saying “if you don’t know where you’re going, you won’t know when you’ve passed it”?

8.       YOU’RE JUST NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP

I don’t know whether this is more insulting than labelling you as a person with low self-esteem :D. But truly, many people are NOT ready to handle the responsibilities of a mature relationship. Teenagers kissing at 13 and they think it’s the end of the world! There is far more to a relationship than cosy feelings- money is involved. Time is involved. Patience is involved. Purpose is involved. Your families and friends eventually get involved because you spend more time with this ONE person than anyone else.

My Dad always said something- that women are naturally more emotionally advanced than men their age. So you’re busy chasing a girl and she’s seen already that you can’t meet the needs she has, or that you won't be that man in the next 3 years. Do you think she’ll just ignore your obvious unreadiness and take the plunge? When there are far more capable ‘candidates’ waiting to fill the position!

Build yourself up- learn the value of time-consciousness, financial responsibility. Get a job that pays money (or at least brings something to the table). Improve yourself. Hope for the miracle that will lift you from where you are. Cut down on stupid, destructive habits (smoking is cool only for people that are addicted…and have nothing to live for). A time will come when your mind and pockets will be so well developed that you’ll start kicking ladies to the friendzone.

         IF YOU WANT TO AVOID THE FRIENDZONE, BE A MAN! GROW UP!

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I will (finally) be posting people's stories of how they got out of the zone. I won't be using their real names (for obvious reasons of privacy). BUT I will be sharing MY story. So if you still want some inside gist, read PART 4. And if you want me to share yours, you can send me an email (peter.ademueteh@gmail.com). Or request my Blackberry PIN. 

DOWNLOAD "Rise Again" Here

Visit StageOne on Reverbnation

Escaping The Friendzone (2)

hope you’ve had good time to think about your plight. Because you desperately want to be free- you want to be able to look them in the eye without feeling like a hypocrite. Because everyone still thinks you’re friends- just that you’ve hit a tough patch. But the communication gap is deepening- she no longer tells you what bothers her, and you have to coax, beg, threaten and maybe blackmail him into telling you what’s going on with him. You can’t have those theoretical discussions about sex (or any other hush-hush topics). You can’t have those long phone calls because of the awkward pauses. You can’t say “I miss you” because the only reply she gives is “thank you” or maybe he says “yeah, cool”.

Okay, really I think I’ve tortured you enough. You’re reading this because you want a way out. You’re drained emotionally, and you already have half the emotional capital needed to come out of this. But you also need knowledge and wisdom to direct that emotion. NOTE: THIS ADVICE IS NOT 100% EFFECTIVE. YOU HAVE TO CUSTOMISE IT TO YOUR OWN SITUATION. (besides I don’t know why you should take advice from anyone on the internet :-P Okay I’m kidding 

 SO HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE? 

There are generally two ways-

 IT’S EITHER YOU SPARK THEIR ROMANTIC INTEREST (i.e. make them romantically attracted to you You achieve this by doing what you’d do to attract people. I can’t claim to be an expert on that, but for me charm works…well, like a charm. But you see, your charm and sweetness got you zoned. So it’s time to turn up the heat- make overtures that are undeniably romantic (whatever makes her/him tick)… (s)he zoned you- that means by the discussions you have you should pretty much know what they like. It’s possible they’re just playing hard to get and want you to prove your personal worth, to show them reason why they should commit to a serious relationship with you despite all the flaws which you gladly show them. Be smooth, suave, learn to play the guitar (chicks dig that), learn to play video games and get crazy about soccer/whatever sport he likes(dudes love girls that do that) People naturally love what they DON’T have… so you have to become the unattainable, devastatingly handsome, hypnotically pretty, smart, fun, resourceful, popular person. You have to project yourself as the Desirable One. This method fails like 75% of the time. It takes too much work, plus you’re already heartbroken, only fighting from a position of weakness. If they were gonna date you, they would have at least thought about it. If you work harder to make them like you, it MAY WORK (if your guardian angel also knows how to hypnotise people) and it may NOT. This is like you’re trying to make fire with wet leaves- usually you just get smoke in your eyes! You’ll probably gonna get deeper into the friendzone, where we call the BROTHERZONE (but that’s for another day) O

OR YOU DECLARE WAR ON THEM

You see this is the one I think works the best. I tried it, it works. Declare them the enemy! That’s the first step. Look at it like a bad habit, a drug addiction you’re trying to break. Because really that’s what they are! It will require subterfuge, camouflage, landmines and plain shooting for you to escape. I won’t waste words in this section- I’ll just outline steps to escaping from the zone (because you can’t win them back) 

1.  Reduce the communication 

Cutting them off instantly will raise all sorts of flags. They’ll get suspicious and they’ll start blackmailing you! Just reduce the communication gradually. If you talked 5 times a day, reduce it to 3, to 1 and eventually skip some days. Days become weeks, weeks become months and you see that you didn’t REALLY need them as much as you thought. 

Beware: at this stage THEY might increase the level of communication. They still want your advice and occasionally miss your refreshing honesty (or whatever is charming about you). “If you chase a dog, it’ll run. If you run from a dog, it’ll chase you!” You on your own will feel like giving them one last chance because they show some signs of “coming round”. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, SOLDIER! It’s just a trap to keep you subservient. Their calling you is just a knee-jerk reaction to what it’s missing. ENJOY IT, but IGNORE it. 

I’m not saying you have to become evil and send them hate-mail. Or refuse to help when a real life-threatening/serious emergency arises. Occasionally you may check in- call to find out how they’re doing, be very brief and to-the-point. (after all, they were your friends before this whole thing started).

 2. Keep yourself occupied 

The time you spent drooling and grovelling at their feet- put it into something productive. Learn a skill, read a book. When you keep your mind occupied, you will have less time to think of them. At first, it’s really difficult to stay focused, because every little thing reminds you of the way they laugh, the way they make faces, the way they get angry, the way they act when they’re in work-mode. I sympathise with you, but sweetie thinking about him won’t bring him back. GET BUSY!!!

 The logic is simple- as the quality of your mind and work/skill increases, you tend to change your tastes. Suddenly you notice she’s not THAT pretty, and that he’s not so awesome! It’s like when you never notice how many people drive a Kia Sportage until you get one yourself! GET When you do this, you get to meet people who can relate with you on a higher level than whoever that Enemy is. BUSY! 

3. Stop being useful

 A majority of all Zoners (that’s the people who put you in the friendzone) still want to keep you as friends purely for the benefit they derive. I know you can’t accept the truth, but think- the only time they remember you is when they need a favour. Maybe run an errand, fix my pc, help me set up for a dinner, pack for a trip, do my assignment/homework, write that evil paper, take my shopping for the dress I’ll wear on my date.

They most likely won’t hangout with you unless you’re giving them something/doing something for them.

“oh, you’re so helpful!” “you’re an absolute angel/ninja/commando/hero/whatever”. That’s another trap, don’t fall for it! You’ll be there feeling useful. They want you to be there for them, you want them to be there with you. When you refuse to be a housemaid/butler, you’ll see a change. Again comes the blackmail: “he used to be soooo nice and sweet. Just because I said “no” when he wanted a relationship, he’s become all grumpy, and un-nice. He’s changed”

 LISTEN TO ME ALL YOU ZONERS OUT THERE READING THIS. IF YOU THINK LIKE THAT YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP AND FED SALT THREE TIMES A DAY. 

4. BECOME A SELFISH LITTLE BRAT

 It’s high time you started emphasising your existence as a person. Don’t go on any journey that has no benefit to you at all. I know your religious beliefs are kicking in and protesting at the godlessness of what I just said. Amos 3:3 from the bible says “can two walk together except they be agreed?” you’re going in two different directions, keep it that way. If it’s obvious that this person remains insensitive to the things YOU need to get done…by all means cut off!

5.  MEET OTHER PEOPLE 

Lots of people that get zoned make one person the centre of their lives. Am I not right? You found that you wanted to hang out with this person more and more and you cut other people off. But THEY have other friends they hang out with and may not hesitate to ditch you for the others. Look, my friend- get out there, meet people, hang out with them, learn (as actively as possible) about their interests, meet THEIR friends, go out more. Whenever you DO get to talk to the enemy, kindly inform them how great your life has become. Fill the few minutes talking about what you’re doing, who you’re hanging out with, just prattle endlessly and give them only a short time to talk. Just when they might be warming up… tell them you have to go. Share photos of your exciting new life. They'll see! 

F. AVOID THE COMPANY OF PEOPLE IN THE ZONE

 The battle is yours to fight- don't make it everybody's problem. If you associate constantly with people in the zone, you'll just keep throwing pity parties, form negative stereotypes and come out with an unhealthy outlook on life and relationships. Instead, talk to God. Prayer does help lessen anxiety and deal with matters of the heart. Talk with people who have escaped from the zone. if you keep constant company with the brothers in the zone, they'll keep dragging you down to their level! The above are a few ways to get OUT of the zone.

 You may have YOUR own method! And not everything I say is Law. Some of us are luckier than others, and some of us aren’t even ready for a relationship and just chasing shadows. 

Whichever is the case, the point is for you to get out of the zone with a good level of self-respect and dignity. In all likelihood you’ll NEVER truly get over this person. There will always be a bit of that Enemy tucked away in your heart. You may have to die to get them out. But you want to live, to love and feel alive. Good News! it can be managed Just like diabetes and HIV. 

There’s one more thing you need to know- how to AVOID getting into this zone. And on that I’ll be sharing the experiences of both myself and some friends who have given me permission to use their stories. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS, tell me what I missed out (or add your own advice). Save a life out there! See you next time (and get that your silly friend who keeps getting zoned to read this). 

Read part 3: AVOIDING the friendzone.
Oh, and don't forget to check out Michael Ogah's "K-leg". Download File :)

Escaping The Friendzone (1)

So at long last I decide to talk about this.

Let me get this straight. You're a nice person- full of life, absolutely adorable, caring. You have this wonderful awesome buddy of the opposite sex. And you guys are like a perfect pair. People don't ask if you're dating...it's more like "how long have you been together?" And you guys go, "what? No way! We're just friends!" And then you fight hard to defend the lie that people of the opposite sex can be close friends, hang out, do everything a couple does and NOT feel anything.

After a while you see that you were too hasty in denying the existence of anything. You can't say for sure what exists between the two of you...but you can't deny it either. The softer smiles...the longer hugs, the lingering looks into each other's eyes for no particular reason.Then you begin to reason...this person is REALLY awesome! Maybe at this point you start telling them how great they are and you wouldn't trade them for anything...how you hope to be friends forever (or till some dude/girl takes them away)

 75 percent of you reading this have already felt the shivers of recognition. This guy must be in my head!   By now you've talked about the future- school, work, raising a family, taking your passions to the next level. You're making plans for where you'll be in the next 5 years. By this time you gist about friends who have hooked up with other friends. By this time the movies you're watching together are heading from action/comedy slowly towards porn.

(Okay only half of you ever get there)

You start getting jealous about her/him when you see others hanging around them. It pisses you off (very minutely at first) when they talk about how cute that boy/girl is (or how strong, rich, talented...whatever). But you know you have no right to be, so you tell yourself to be calm and behave.Unfortunately he/she picks this as the best moment to be extra tender and caring, and say "you're such a darling" or "what would I do without you?". And she posts photos of you guys smiling sunnily on her facebook page. Or you show up on his wallpaper/ BBm display picture/twitter Avatar.

At this point you're dying to know whether (s)he feels what you feel, whether the sight of you drives a swarm of butterflies fluttering all over their stomach. You become extra sensitive, extra perceptive. You know his every move, you notice when her lipstick changes.   You toss and turn, wondering when this will end.

Should I tell her? Probably. Probably not. Cos you see, you've both laughed at guys who came "toasting"/chyking/whatever your slang is for asking a girl out. Or how about that time you called the other girl a slut for consciously pressing her tits against his arm/back/wherever?

Well, she doesn't know yet, I'll just be nice. No one says this must become something else! Afterall, a guy and a girl can be friends without anything coming up, right?

Wrong.

Subtly you start asking "leading" questions. What do you like about me? What do you hate about me? Seriously! Do you think you could date someone like me? (That's if you didn't know me before). Stupid, stupid questions!!!!!!!!!!   Slowly you begin to make feeble attempts at letting the person see that you're really more awesome than they think you are. Slowly your text messages become more ambiguous...so ambiguous that sometimes even YOU can't tell exactly what you mean.

 You do everything right but it seems the very person is the blindest person alive. She takes longer to pick your calls, he takes forever to reply texts with "Ok"/"seen"/"yeah" and the like.   Out of desperation (or a sudden dose of courage/stupidity) you had the nerve to ask her out. Or to let him know you like him for more than friends. Some people are more dramatic than the others. Maybe you bought a giant teddybear, or asked her out in a room full of people because you wanted to sound "bold" (depends honestly on the level of your stupidity).

I don't know what you were expecting- maybe she'd jump into your arms and scream "yes! Yes!" Or maybe he'd sweep you off your feet and whisper his undying love with that deep timbre, that husky rasp that only comes out when he's ecstatic.   But what you didn't expect was the blank stare followed by the "stop joking jor"/"are you serious?"  "hey...I thought we were friends" or "I think we're better as friends" or more killing..."You're an awesome person, you're sweet, loving, caring, resourceful...but I just don't look at you THAT way. You're like a brother/sister to me"   And you're absolutely crushed.

Dude, baby, you've been zoned. And Badly So. And you're doomed for life because things will NEVER be the same. You've crossed the line- you've broken the seal and now the milk has gone sour. You hopeless, hopeless thing. Find a corner and cry your eyes out!  (Actually you won't listen to me). You'll keep telling yourself that you're cool with it.

You poor, poor thing. You'll lap up anything they throw at you wont you?. You make excuses for everything they do. A part of you knows you're being silly, building castles in the air when nothing will come out of it.

 But as a philosopher said- "never underestimate the power of idiots in large numbers".   You will listen to music, watch movies and read foolish books that promise you things will turn out fine. Some unexpected turn of events will make her see things from your perspective, right?

Wrong!!!!
  Slowly you'll become a slave to them. You'll continue being useful- fix her computer/faulty whatever-went-bad and refuse to let her pay. You'll keep doing his laundry and cooking his meals. They'll reduce the amount of communication but give you enough to still say "she's my friend". Lies, lies, lies

 ************************************************    If I sounded like I was telling your story, make sure you read "how to escape the friendzone 2"

BONUS: Download Michael Ogah's "K-Leg" for free Download FIle

uchenna Enyioha Akamba-Thomas

When girls get married (except you’re gonna be an adulterer) very likely that’s the end of all the good times. All the calls at 9pm will end, all the random surprises will end, all the surprise meals delivered to your house will disappear. In fact, a wave of married-ness suddenly descends on these people who have been united to their true-loves. All the emotions running as undercurrents will have to be ignored, blah blah blah. In essence, everything you’ve put in becomes an investment in someone else’s wife!

But a buddy stays forever. Whether he’s single, whether he’s married, whether he’s a friend at home or a friend abroad, a buddy will always be a buddy. Nothing changes (well, except now you can’t barge into his bedroom without knocking, LOL). When a buddy leaves the country and returns after 20 years, he calls you up. When a buddy sees you walking down the wrong path, a buddy calls you to order. And many other things (you make up your own list).

Well it was in the midst of shedding the feminine population in my life (and building manly company) that I got to know this interesting young man. Uchenna Abiodun Enyioha.

He was a year behind in me in the Faculty of Law, University of Abuja, I believe we met in March 2008 when freshers were admitted. This dude came from Kaduna, knew Kelechi “Cassie”Okafor, wrote only in cursive, had this smooth Hausa-inflected British accent, and Most of all, he was an awesome bass guitarist.
Because I just started learning to play the guitar In March 2007, anyone who could manipulate strings better than me became an instant hero. And this boy knew ALL the black gospel musicians I did NOT know, could play the keyboard (was our specialist keyboardist when we needed to play hymns in church).

And we didn’t start off well. He had this caustic way of telling me to NOT play the bass when he was on the keyboards. In fact, he’d prefer to split the keyboard, play the bass notes with the left hand, the piano with the right. It totally pissed me off, made me feel bad about myself. Plus when he was playing with Monday Egamana, Sam Emeka John and Kenneth Ogueji it was as though heaven would land on earth- those guys were so good!
Uche helped out several times- even though my bass playing was annoying, he couldn't beat me on the acoustic. he went out with my band- played Jadon Lavik's "How majesic" for us at the first FCS concert; he played the keyboards for our song "Jericho Down" when we played live at the FCS drama night. Those times we went to sing at The Voice of Hope (meeting at the Lions' Guest House), Uche would be there if I called on him.

Well, I was in the same choir as he was, and with time I began to listen more and more to what those guys were playing. I told myself it was only because I couldn’t match their standard that they could tell me off THAT way. So when I went on holiday in my 300 level, I decided I would apply my knowledge of the acoustic/electric guitar to the electric bass. Fine there were some differences in the tunings (standard guitar = EADGBE (go to blazes all you who play Drop D), 4 string bass = EADG, 5-String = BEADG, 6-String = BEADGB/EADGBE depending on your tuning preferences).

By the time I was in 400 level, my family moved to Abuja and we got a house on the Outskirts. And close to my house (less than 30 seconds’ walk) was ths little Redeemed Church with the BEST instrumentalists I had ever heard in my life. Cool equipment too (the small 100-seater hll had 4 power amps, an 8-piece professional drum kit, a Korg M50, Samick Bass guitar, 32-Channel Behringer mixer, Equalizer, compressor). So I joined them. They’d let me play during midweek services (when any blunders wouldn’t be too noticeable). With time I improved enough to be able to play with the FCS choir. When we went on the road to the hospital chapel, I remember playing Bishop Paul Morton’s “I am What you see” on the bass (with Uche on the keyboard and Monday on the Drums)

That song might sound easy and simplistic now, but it was a huge leap from playing Israel Houghton’s “Alpha and Omega”. And my upward Journey continued- I got to play two songs for the FCS concert in my Final Year, and Uche basically left me to do that. Even my version of the FCS Anthem “Home of Care” sounded something like a cross between Sam and Uche’s versions. It was the highlight of my “career”. I didn’t notice how much I’d grown until some other fellowships asked me to help them out sometimes (or when some churches invited me to play For them)

Then there was this time Uche asked me to come play at his church. Heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that was when I started talking to Uche. We talked about music, talked about a little of sport (I remember he won a gold medal at the Airforce Games and played soccer for his class Team). We talked about girls (there was this certain someone who he was hopelessly hooked on). And about heaven, about God, about our relationships with human beings.

Slowly the bond has formed over the years- now I talk to him like every other week- the same person I disliked because I thought he hated me. I remember how he called me up at work one day and I extended my lunch hour to 3 so I could help him out with something. The work that consumed so much of my time and attention that I began to ignore a certain someone (*winks*). Well, that day ended with Uche helping out at my church when my keyboardist/Choir director and leaving my church around 7:30pm. We prayed together before he left. While I was skyping Monica (*another wink) he called to tell me that he narrowly escaped being in a car crash that killed 3 people (because he was with me)

The response to the accident was overwhelming. Food, drinks, drugs, toiletries, and visits kept pouring in day and night. I remember I met uche at the hospital every day I went there, not shrinking from the pain, not being “macho” and keeping away from the female ward. He stayed faithfully by my cousin’s bedside, coaxing her to eat her meals, making her laugh continuously. In fact, one evening she refused to eat unless Uche was there!
I remember I crashed at Uche’s place when I was doing my medical exam for law school, when I came for divine encounter (talked with blessing till really late and had to drive at night).
I remember all those days we said “You see, I want to really appreciate you for….”
Or with a David Oyedepo Voice, “you foul devil!!!!”

Now that I’ve told you a lot of wonderful details you don’t really know how it concerns you, let’s just skip to the real thing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY UCHE.