Escaping the friendzone (3)

BRIEF NOTE. Last time I announced I’d be sharing people’s stories- but I think recognising the mistake that get us zoned is a bit more important than sorry stories. I appreciate the feedback I’m getting (REALY, I DO. I got about 1,000 views on the friendzone series alone!)

I will be addressing this third instalment to guys. Because from the polls I conducted on this blog, and via google analytics I confirmed that to a great extent, guys are friendzoned far more than the girls.

So for all the feminists out there, this article is not gender-blind, thank you.

Finally Today’s free download is by StageOne, a Rock band based in Jos, Nigeria. I was privileged to meet them some years back (and last year as well, yay me!). They’re out with their EP “The Rising” and the song “Rise Again” is my favourite track on the EP. Hope it inspires you like it still does for me J

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I think I’ve sugarcoated this topic enough. You think she’s the enemy? Well if SHE is the enemy, how come it keeps happening to YOU alone? It doesn’t make sense does it- all the other guys who aren’t half as nice as you get the best girls. Or the “bad boys” keep hooking up and the good ones like you get stuck forever in the friendzone. Then you console yourself, again by watching movies where the geek finally strikes a fortune by inventing something (or discovering his basketball potential when he’s already 25). In those movies, the cheerleader always ends up realising her mistake and falling for the nice geek.

**slapping your face dramatically**

Wake up, you dummy. Those movies are made by people who think love and sex are synonyms (let's not argue about that. you definitely don't LOVE a hooker you picked up in the street), who would make anything to sell movie tickets. Let’s get real. YOU are the enemy.

C’mon, Say it- “I am my own enemy!”

I did a little research to see what others think about the friendzone, and I saw that they held the same opinions on the causes of the friendzone. “we” all seem to agree on (I say “we” because I like feeling like a blogger, lol) the doorways to your getting zoned.

TELL ME, PETER. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE GETTING ZONED?

1.       YOU’RE A NICE PERSON

Because you’re “nice”, you tend to want to make everyone feel okay. You’d bend over backwards as long as it makes someone else happy. Because you’re nice, you literally take shit from people, and you do nothing about it. Why? Because you dislike confrontations- you don’t want people to feel bad. So instead of you to stand up for yourself, you let people trample on you, make excuses for their bad behaviour.

How does this relate to you getting zoned? No woman wants to be left unprotected. She wants to know that in you she has a protector. It doesn’t REALLY have to do with muscles (although muscles are a nice bonus ;)). So you see a nice girl hooking up with a BAD guy because he possesses the ability to do what YOU cannot. He can stand up for himself! And therefore he can stand up for her!

You on the other hand take everything she throws at you and don’t complain. At the slightest opportunity you apologise for speaking out against what you don’t like!

If you want to stop getting into the zone, learn to make it clear the things you like and the things you don’t. Learn to say NO, and to say STOP when you don’t want something to continue. If she likes you, she’ll stay.

2.       YOU HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM

This may be difficult for you to accept, but a worrisome number of the people that get zoned suffer from low self-esteem. There’s something about you that makes you feel insecure. Maybe when you were growing up, people made fun of your head, legs, teeth, height or the way you walk (or you’re a dude with a really big butt, lol). Maybe you don’t like the sound of your voice or you feel you’re physically unattractive.

This makes lots of us (me included) to value any little attention people show us. When a girl calls you go gaga. When she texts, you read it like 1 million times to convince yourself she really meant something else. BECAUSE OF THIS, you tend to over-reward people’s attention. They text you once, you send 2 in reply; then you send a 3^rd to explain the 2^nd, then you send the 4^th to laugh at how silly the conversation is looking. You leave a person’s house to go to yours, then you call to say you’ve got home. Then you call later to ask if everything’s okay over there.

Because you’re insecure, you tend to overcompensate for what you think you’re lacking; and you make excuses for their lack of attention, apparent signs that this person really doesn’t want to hang out with you that much. If you call someone twice and they don’t pick- if there’s no serial-killer out there waiting to kill them I see no reason why you should keep calling or texting. Why should you ask “did you see my missed calls/texts”? If they did and were willing and ready to talk to you they’d have returned the call/replied. When you keep stalking someone like this, it creeps them out!

If you want to stay out of the zone, Learn to recognise your self-worth. If you don’t see the good about yourself, no one else will. Except you’re in a movie.

3.       YOU’RE IN A HURRY TO IMPRESS

This cause still stems from the low-esteem root. Because you’re insecure about yourself, you want to impress too quickly. You just met a girl last week and you’re thinking about long moonlit walks with your daughter in her arms. You shower her with gifts ranging from airtime on her phone, to expensive jewellery. You ignore all her obvious flaws and tell her she’s perfect.

You celebrate how cool you guys are and maybe (for the more stupid of us menfolk) you start hinting at what a great couple you guys will make. You make her feel like a queen and you think she’s gonna keel over and kiss your feet. Son, that so isn’t going to happen.

Then there's the side of you that makes you want to ask a girl out within 5 hours of meeting her. In movies, maybe (or in a club where everyone is high on pot) she might say yes. But in reality that's one of the fastest ways to make her run.

She’ll just learn to love the side of you that’s always giving, always making her feel perfect. When she stays that long in that safe zone, she’ll never want to come out. When you what to step things up, you’ll usually get a response like “hey, aren’t we okay here? Everything is just perfect- I couldn’t ask for more”

If you want to avoid the friendzone, don’t throw money around too early. Allow them to earn a place in your life before you start showering them with attention and…money J

4.       YOU’RE FAKE

In trying to be cool, many times guys who don’t normally swear will be dropping F-bombs all over the country. Or they project this persona that isn’t really them! It is a manifestation of low self-esteem when you try to be the person you’re not. Talk the way you normally do, laugh the way you laugh. Dress the way you dress. I think ladies are psychic…they can actually tell when you’re faking it. So they pick their way through the lies you’ve woven and place you in the place you really belong- where you’ll do the job for free.

5.       YOU’RE TOO EAGER TO HELP

It’s beginning to sound as if it’s wrong to be nice, isn’t it? You’re so nice, you want to help with everything. From fixing broken items, to fixing broken hearts. How many of you reading this met this really nice girl when she was recovering from a bad breakup- and you were there for her? You had all these meaningful conversations about following your heart no matter the odds…then she surprised you by going back to the same abusive boyfriend? Or she hooked up with some other dude that seemingly showed up from nowhere!

Because we’re eager to help, we take on more than we can chew. We bend our schedules, we go impossible lengths just to get things right FOR them, and we think for being a knight-in-shining-armour she will open her arms to us! Lie, lie , lie!!!!

A girl naturally wants a shoulder to cry on, a pillow to hug when she’s lonely. She wants an ally when she’s facing rough times. She wants a girlfriend who she can share anything with- but sadly all the good ones are either far away or in competition with her/lost in the arms of some other guy. So she picks the next available couch. YOU. You become her secret-keeper, her war advisory council, her central bank when she needs money (and YOU’LL insist she shouldn’t pay back). When you try to step things up, you hear reactions like “you’re my best friend, I don’t wanna lose you”. WOW, just WOW

If you want to stay out of the zone, don’t get too involved in people’s problems. Do the bit you can possibly do- give good advice, assist, but don’t get personal with their problems!

6.       YOU ARE TOO NEEDY

This happens to be the flip side of being too helpful. Some guys are so needy- they dump all their problems on the one girl who happens to have their time. They become so self-absorbed that they forget this girl has a life to live. Complaining from morning till night, talking with her about what’s going wrong your life may get you more time with her, but dude the more you cling to her, the faster she runs. Now that you’re just friends you want to drown her in your tears, what happens if you eventually get together?

If you want to stay out of the zone, learn to deal with your problems yourself.

7.       YOU HAVE NO FOCUS

Yep, that counts too. Many people are walking about and have no idea what they want out of life, of school of a relationship. So they don’t REALLY recognise a potential mate when they see them. They treat a future wife/girl like they would any girl in their piano class/church group. One day, they think this girl is awesome, the next they think THAT OTHER GIRL is the bomb. So it’s Nkechi today, Bola tomorrow, Jennifer the next, Zainab on Thursday, Jacinta on Friday. All these girls are swimming all over your head.

Check yourself- if your phonebook/contacts list contains more than 60% single females, you’re a potential friendzone waiting to happen. Check yourself- if you’re constantly surrounded by lots of pretty girls who laugh with you, love-you-so-much, but NEVER actually go out on a date with you, you’re not a ladies-man- you’re a friendzone disaster waiting to happen... I once told this girl I really did like her and she went, “oh peter, you’re so cute. You like EVERY girl. I really hope you find someone nice that'll love you for who you are!”. No girl would ever take you serious if she sees you’re constantly surrounded by attractive girls!

If you want to stay out of the zone, be focused. Define what you want and do not want in your girlfriend/wife…and stick to it. Did you ever hear that saying “if you don’t know where you’re going, you won’t know when you’ve passed it”?

8.       YOU’RE JUST NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP

I don’t know whether this is more insulting than labelling you as a person with low self-esteem :D. But truly, many people are NOT ready to handle the responsibilities of a mature relationship. Teenagers kissing at 13 and they think it’s the end of the world! There is far more to a relationship than cosy feelings- money is involved. Time is involved. Patience is involved. Purpose is involved. Your families and friends eventually get involved because you spend more time with this ONE person than anyone else.

My Dad always said something- that women are naturally more emotionally advanced than men their age. So you’re busy chasing a girl and she’s seen already that you can’t meet the needs she has, or that you won't be that man in the next 3 years. Do you think she’ll just ignore your obvious unreadiness and take the plunge? When there are far more capable ‘candidates’ waiting to fill the position!

Build yourself up- learn the value of time-consciousness, financial responsibility. Get a job that pays money (or at least brings something to the table). Improve yourself. Hope for the miracle that will lift you from where you are. Cut down on stupid, destructive habits (smoking is cool only for people that are addicted…and have nothing to live for). A time will come when your mind and pockets will be so well developed that you’ll start kicking ladies to the friendzone.

         IF YOU WANT TO AVOID THE FRIENDZONE, BE A MAN! GROW UP!

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I will (finally) be posting people's stories of how they got out of the zone. I won't be using their real names (for obvious reasons of privacy). BUT I will be sharing MY story. So if you still want some inside gist, read PART 4. And if you want me to share yours, you can send me an email (peter.ademueteh@gmail.com). Or request my Blackberry PIN. 

DOWNLOAD "Rise Again" Here

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