Cobwebs

First of all, this is an apology.

I've been away. I have failed to waste at least 20 minutes of your life every other week as you stumble through the dark mazes of my crazy mind. The birthdays have slipped by and weirdly I could not write anything.  I think mostly it's because I've been so concerned about work that every other thing seems to pale into insignificance. Blah blah blah.

I just blame work, the traffic every morning and evening at the city gate...and the total exhaustion that kicks in the moment I enter my house. By the way have you ever noticed that hunger multiplies the moment you see your door? Or that the urge to pee doubles when you're fumbling with your house keys?so, back to the story. I have to leave early and return late. Which means I don't have time to cook or do my laundry except really Delicate clothing. So yes, I basically stuff my face with bread, noodles, suya,  watermelon and anything that makes itself available on my way back from work.

I've always said that when a person is concerned with securing the daily necessities,  he or she cannot free up the mind for creative work.even if the creative work is satirical or mocking, it would take a pause , a looking back, an introspective look at things to produce anything. So I found myself stuck in this zone where ideas keep flowing while I confront the drudgery of work, traffic and boring food. And because those other things are more pressing, writing takes a backburner.

**yawwnn** okay my brain is shutting down with sleep. Let's talk about this tomorrow

The Sleepwalkers 2

One thing about dreams I noticed, is that I seem to jump in right in the middle of something. The fact that I was not there when the dream started is irrelevant, because as soon as I enter, I KNOW everything that has happened, and the current situation of things. It’s like when I play CALL OF DUTY, BROTHERS IN ARMS, GTA, MERCENARY, HALO or any other RPG and I resume from a checkpoint- with all my health, ammo and communications gear intact. In the dream, nothing is impossible. In the dreamworld, someone can be your father one moment and become your grandson the next. Or you can enter a house in New York and the backdoor opens in Port Harcourt.

In a dream, some unknown benefactor hands you game-changing weapons (I’m talking about my own experiences now), just at the right time when the bad guy has almost won. In a dream, you KNOW what to do to escape and that knowledge waits till the nick of time to show up. In a dream, people don’t need to talk before you hear- you just KNOW what they’re thinking. In a dream you don’t really have to cook, because someone somewhere would have prepared a magnificent feast and all you have to do is eat. And you don’t really need to wash anything except your wicked stepmother doesn’t allow you use the magical washing machine. In a dream you don’t really have to do anything when you meet a pretty girl, because she will see directly into the goodness of your heart and she will fall in love with you thus obviating the need for you to actually be awesome.

In a dream, you have superpowers to save the world- Batman, Spiderman, Superman and the whole Justice League and Avengers live together in YOUR Lunar Academy for Superheroes. In a dream, you can solve the world’s hunger problems by feeding them from the magic beanstalk in your backyard. In a dream, you can solve the middleast crises by calling their leaders and have them decide by playing Dance-Dance Revolution on Xbox. In a dream, people don’t need jobs because everybody is rich and can afford the nicest cars.

Because a dreamworld is so engaging, some dreamers turn somnambulistic. I remember coming across that word, when I was 13, in Reuben Abati’s editorial on the Kidnap of Governor Chris Ngige of Anambra state (Nigeria). In English, it means “sleepwalking”. Sleepwalking means just that- walking when you’re asleep. The sleeper has full control over his limbic system- he can walk without stumbling, sometimes without bumping into objects. If you were to observe a sleepwalker, you would think (s)he was going somewhere purposefully. For some people, in their sleep they write the most amazing things. In their sleep, they actually sing. A few of the songs I’ve written came while I was in that swampy zone between sleep and wakefulness! And some people are so good in their sleep, they will find the keys to the door/safe no matter where you hide them, and take whatever their subconscious wants.

In Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” such an experience is documented. Lucy Westenra started sleepwalking after she was bitten by Count Dracula (He had that habit as a human). She would walk out of the house, and even climb a ledge like she was going to jump.

Lady Macbeth in William Shakespeare’s “Macbeth” has bouts of sleepwalking, where she attempts to wash the stain of the murder she and Macbeth have planned and committed…lamenting that “all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this damned spot”.

And my younger brother’s sleepwalking when he was about 9 was just eerie. He would wake up, say something, stand up from the bed, and start walking towards the door. I somehow managed to wake up at the right time, and stop him. Once I looked at his face…his eyes were wide open yet he was truly asleep! I waved my hands in front of his face- he didn’t even blink at all!

For some people it goes beyond just walking. They talk in their sleep, they even drive. When I was in law school I read this case about a man who drove to his father-in-law’s house, collected his shotgun and shot him twice; the court really believed him that he did all that while he was asleep (if you want to follow this up, read “Weird Cases”- By Gary Slapper). I know of some people that would leave the house and wander about at night…in the morning they’d find themselves back in bed, waking up tired and very dirty (but they are not aware that they have gone out).

My friend Ken Ogueji is one of the best bassists I know. When we were studying law at the University of Abuja, I heard that he always slept with a bass guitar beside him. His roommates said he would reach for the guitar and start playing in his sleep. I asked him one day whether he knew about that and he told me of how it all began- when he was still just learning the bass he had this dream about an alternative position for playing the Lydian mode of the diatonic scale. When he woke up, he tried it and he was correct! How’s that for a superhuman ability?

Oh, and in 2008 or so my high school classmates told me of how I used to sleep talk and call a certain girl’s name in my sleep. This sleeptalking was as far back as 2005. And I’m quite sure that I didn’t REALLY like her that much, but I guess the subconscious had its way of fighting back.

Annoying little machine, the mind.

The Sleepwalkers

I love sleep. I think most of the normal people on the planet love sleep too.

When we were younger we were taught that growing children need at least 8 hours of sleep and adults needed 5. For that reason, once NTA started playing their news sting (an annoying hornlike sound), our parents sent us to bed. Sleep, according to scientists help the body to recover from stress. When we are asleep, our metabolism slows down and the body can refresh itself…think of it as energy-saving mode on electronic devices. Sleep also helps us to escape from the harsh realities of life, as when we are asleep; we are suspended in blissful ignorance of the world around us.

If we sleep deep enough, we enter what scientists call REM sleep (Rapid Eye Movement). In this zone, we sleep deep enough for our brains to conjure up images from our daytime activities. This phenomenon is known as dreaming.

A dream technically is not real. You cannot touch it, you cannot share it, you cannot record it, you cannot measure it, so to the existential/realist thinker, a dream simply does not exist. A dream is not predictable- and it can occur many times. More often than not, the dreamer is the source of his own dreams- her thoughts, his hopes, their fears, their secrets have a way of weaving themselves. Repressed memories and thoughts find their way back from the inner recesses of the subconscious to the only place where they will encounter the individual.

For some, this is a benefit: the individual often finds himself in places he cannot ordinarily go, doing things that ordinarily would be impossible. I usually have these dreams that of flying. Not flying as a bird, but the atmosphere is so thin that there is little friction, and gravity is weak. Thus I can practice my kung fu kicks, cover short distances in a single bound, and do all manner of amazing flips and moves that would make a gymnast envious. Some people (like me) have dreams that they were the president of the country, or they won the Miss World pageant, or that they invented something spectacular. Some dream they were getting married, or they had twins, or they were astronauts. The list is endless.

For others, dreaming is a feature they’d rather turn off. Their dreams provide no respite from the world. They have nightmares, nightmares of falling down an unending hole, being chased by frightening creatures (and they can’t run no matter how hard they try), being in the middle of a war, getting shot in the heart, being stabbed, being burned alive, their bosses sacking them suddenly, going naked to the office, their girlfriends getting pregnant with triplets, being in a horrible car accident, being chased by sharks/cobras/assassins…I’m sure you get the drift.

Dreams also feature prominently on the supernatural scene. Many religions document experiences where God communicated with man through dreams- either by an Angel appearing to the dreamer, or the dreamer himself was participating in activities. In the Bible, God spoke to Joseph about his future through dreams. God showed Pharaoh the Agricultural and Climatic future of Egypt. God spoke to Solomon in a dream when he offered sacrifices upon his coronation. God spoke to Nebuchadnezzar through dreams, about the future kingdoms of the world. God showed Daniel the End of the world through a dream. God assured Joseph the father of Jesus about marrying Mary. God warned the magi in a dream not to return to Herod. God warned Joseph to leave Israel and when to return. The night before the battle of the Milvian Bridge, In a dream, emperor Constantine saw the cross in a dream, and a voice he was instructed  to "delineate the heavenly sign on the shields of his soldiers", because  "in hoc signo vinces” (“in this sign you shall conquer”). He obeyed and he got victory.

Apparently, dreams are a window to deeper things. Dreams certainly come true. I have met people who shared their dreams and sometime later the dreams come to pass. This year I had a dream that actually happened within a few hours. I was sharing the dream with a classmate when it happened before our eyes. Once a friend told me that he had a dream our auditorium caught fire. We prayed about it, and some days later we were in a lecture when the junction box caught on fire. It took the bravery of Belema Fyneface to put it out, admist the cheering of the crowd that previously sought to discourage him from such a risk.

For those whose dreams are beautiful, they can’t wait till night so they can sleep. And for those whose dreams are turbulent, stay-awake-pills are being invented too slowly.

You can’t dream without sleeping.

Olori

I will be shot if I do not make this post before midnight
This is the first time I will post about one of the Law School People. And this person is Oyinkansola Zainab Aina.
The first time I met her I was walking to the Oji-ukwu market with Belema, when I saw a group of people that had just arrived from a long journey. I stopped. Said hello, welcomed them all, found out they were from Lagos State University (LASU). Folabi Kuti, Zainab Zakare, Oyinkan, Biodun, and the rest of them.  Kuti had this yellow jersey on.

A tiny girl caught my attention- partly because she was tiny, but more importantly because she was pretty. And trust me, I took a little extra time to tease them and speak my “Yoruba” (my vocabulary is about 5 phrases). Belema even went the extra mile of sending her a preaching by Bishop Abioye on marriage and we went on.

That Sunday, Bukola Atobatele invited me to play the Bass at Chapel of Hope. I accepted because I WAS looking for another church to attend in Agbani, and a friend from home had bragged about me to Bukky. And while I enjoyed the playing, I decided that I would NEVER return to chapel of hope. Because I was so distracted with the girls face- flowing hair, fitting purple gown and deep red lipstick. I remember THAT but not what Pastor Gabriel talked about that day.

So I hid for a long time, and exercised my inner Ninja. I advised myself to face my studies and concentrate. I reaffirmed my resolution that there would be NO girlfriends in law school. And actually, I succeeded- I even totally forgot that such a girl existed. We went about a whole 2 months before I saw her again. By this time I was already a full ninja and her beauty did not dazzle me anymore (I was already being dazzled by someone more powerful :D)

Because of Onowe Ajulo , I started saying Hi again, sometimes I even took a walk to the house of lords to chat a little during tea break. Yes, we had tea break. 15 minutes between each half of lectures. There was this morning she came over to our seat and she met me just about to consume my morning consignment (I had an Amstel Malta and gala). She asked me for it really joking and I don’t know how that happens- but I gave it to her anyway. And that’s how we started talking, like TALKING. That was when she told me she was from a Muslim family, and they didn’t react too kindly to her conversion from Islam. I respected her a lot more (well, if you judged from her size you wouldn’t think she had the capacity to resist anyone :D)
Unfortunately, this was just the week before we went home for the externship (court and chamber attachment). And strangely, we talked about some pretty personal stuff- I talked with her about Lanre and she told me about…well she just listened and told me a few things like “give it time”. A few times I’d call her and talk , a few times she’d call me and talk. There were the times when I needed to slip something quick to Lanre, and she was very helpful. Fortunately they were both in the same courthouse and the same Law Firm. The times when Lanre was out of a phone (or didn’t want to talk to me, lol), I’d call with Oyinkan’s phone. I remember having Oyin hunt for a birthday gift since I couldn’t make it to Lagos in time for June 21st.

When we came back to school, we worked nights to make sure we had our portfolios ready for the assessment. I had the speed when it came to typing- but she already had a template of what and what needed to be ready for Monday. Me, Lanre and Oyin went to the hall. In that back breaking pain of the Old Auditorium seats, we toiled for hours until the presentations were up to professional standards.

And those days of waiting for Moot trials. I’m beginning to think that’s when I got to know Oyin. Behind all that smiling, all that confidence- there could be times of sadness too. And there were times when I felt she was getting too deep into my business. By the time I ran over her actions (and planned my counter), I saw that she was actually right. There were the times I needed to go out of school for a hot meal, when the restaurants were closed, and she’d walk me all the way to law school junction. Sometimes I could talk her into trying my noodles combination- other times she’d just be content to watch me eat and talk endlessly about whatever idea had found its way into my head.

When Moot trials started, I began to see more of her everyday (we were in the same group). It didn’t matter that we were opposing counsel; At a I imagined a “conflict of interest” scenario if this was REALLY Equity Chambers defending John Brown & Miss Pretty Bright, against the Ministry of Justice. It was the hours away  from Moot Trials that held the most. That was when she told me about Mallam and the phenomenon that he was. And that was when she told me about life at LASU. She was still as fiery in opposing our bail application in court, making sure to point out to the judge that our Miss Pretty Bright who allegedly was suffering from Sickle Cell Anaemia was very fleshy and healthy-looking.

With exams approaching it was hard not to get infected. Oyin’s reading schedule was mindblowing. Morning, afternoon and Night. She told me she wasn’t gonna read anything beyond 9pm and she meant that. So what I did was, whenever I wasn’t reading beyond 9pm I’d make sure we discussed some topic or the other. I always carried past questions with me because I was sure to meet her somewhere. You see, Oyin is a good teacher. I’d read the Fundamental Rights Enforcement Procedure over and over again, but I didn’t make heads or tails of it (I couldn’t tell how many processes needed to be drafted if you commence by originating motion). In less than ten minutes this genius explained it…and I never forgot!

At some point I began asking myself if I wasn’t looking for trouble hanging out with her so much (when there was a more powerful somebody holding my attention down). After rigorous testing I realised that Oyin had become the younger sister I never had. And I began to treat her as such. During the exams week, people everywhere got hungry frequently, and cafeterias were always crowded. Because it rained so much, I wouldn’t let her leave the hostel if she could help it. I’d place her order whenever I went to eat (and deliver it to her myself). And when I started following my mum’s orders to make sure I eat some fruit, well I followed “an apple a day” policy. I’d buy 3 apples- one for me, one for Lanre, one for Oyin (sometimes it was one for Kingson as well).

The final week of school was awesome- all the things we prayed for happened as we needed them. The exam questions turned out to be what we just revised, the weather never disturbed us…and even when we got tired there was always enough time to sleep, rest and be refreshed.

Last month was call to bar. It was amazing to see what 3 months out of school could do to a person’s face. She let me have her laptop for almost 2 weeks (I typed “the mob is a demon”) with that. She helped me get my collarette and Studs from Bwari during the thanksgiving. Sadly when I went to her house to return the laptop, someone slammed the taxi door and smashed my Tecno Phantom A+. Anybody else and i would have been more angry...but better on her account than on some Jezebel out there!

That’s enough of facts. Let us now direct the mind of this honourable court to the true character of Miss Oyinkan. She’s deeply fun to be with- smiles most of the time. Even when people are being rude or trying to be nasty she maintains that smile. And she’s not one to run away from work- from what I noticed she’d rather do today what she can do tomorrow. That went a long way…that willpower to work rubbed off on me especially when I was losing steam in my exams prep.

And she has a heart for God. Everything I saw her do had its root in God. She was in the prayer unit, and whenever the person on the schedule didn’t show up on time, she was almost the backup prayer leader. And she was very active in the drama unit. Once she played Barr Afolayan (“PROCEED TO THEE DOCCKKK!!!!!!!”). Even when we talked about boys (yes we did that), she always rooted the discussion in the will and the plan of God. She told me about 4 times “God is my father. It’s better to make mistakes in the presence of God. My father won’t let me go far in the wrong direction”.

Today happens to be her birthday, and because I don’t want to keep her up reading too long, I’ll stop here (but the rest of you can keep marvelling about how awesome she is). Watch out for a lawyer by the name Oyinkansola Zainab Aina. If God answers my prayer, that surname will change to T____S. Fill in the blanks, people

Happy Birthday, Sainobu Olori

Chogu Betty Ochai

PIf you're on my bbm you'd probably have heard a lot of noise about my sugarmummy. Today I get to tell you more about this woman.

In 200level (2008), We got new students in my Law faculty through the Direct Entry (DE) scheme. I've mentioned that several times on this blog- that several of the awesome people that have come to impact my life came with that set. Chogu was beautiful at first glance. No doubt about that. In fact being a hormonal teenager (I was 18 at the time) I was so awestruck that it took me almost 5 minutes to gather the courage to say hi. I was surprised you know- she actually answered me.  She said her name was Chogu, and yes I didn't notice her earlier because she was a transfer student.

On a normal day I should have forgotten what she said (due to my fascination) but it had the opposite effect- I actually remember it all. She went to Madonna University, she was from Kogi state, she had a sister in gwagz, and all that. I remember being surprised that she answered me at all- I was so sure that magazine-cover types didn't answer big headed boys like me.

Well, over the years I got to know Chogu better. Turns out she's my namesake actually (bet she didn't know that). Once she promised me and Ope spaghetti at the end of the semester (when we insisted that she was so slim she couldn't possibly know how to cook). With Chogu it was one laughable experience after another. Like when I returned from lectures every week with lipstick stains that never came off (and I'm sure there was no labial contact whatsoever)...or that time when she was supposed to present an award at the Law Dinner (but couldn't get in because of an annoying ticket scam). I remember when Chogu was taller than me. That was my most dramatic height gain ever. On the day of the dinner (Friday), Chogu was taller than me. By Monday when we were looking at the photos I noticed that I was taller. You should have seen my Cannibal victory dance that day!!!

I remember Chogu being dependable. If she gave her word she'd actually come through. Every time I invited her for an event (and she said she'd come) she actually came. I remember when I was drama coordinator for my fellowship- she told me she was at drama Night. I thought she was joshing- until she described what I wore, what I did on stage, what the stand-up comedian said....and that, my friends was amazing :)

How about fighting back? Oh yeah. Chogu was a fighter. She fought until she got the transfer she was looking for. Whether you accept it or not, waxing lachrymose (also known as "crying") is an acceptable fighting technique, practiced by women all over history. She pestered the Registrar and the Dean until they accepted her into the faculty. And when the Faculty Officer (as usual) made mistakes on her results, she fought until they were corrected. In fact I can say she graduated with a second-class (upper) because she fought the laziness of the examiners!

Maybe that's why she keeps getting posted to the North (Kano campus for law school) and (Adamawa state for NYSC). I didn't really think it was possible to change law school campuses but Chogu did!

So why the sugarmummy title? For me it started when I read one classified in a newspaper that read "looking for a beautiful, god fearing, hardworking, rich, young, caring woman to be a sugar mummy"- it was funny, but Chogu had it all :D

If you have Chogu on your team you WILL win. Whether it was elections or inter house sports (Chogu is a really amazing sprinter) , you'd be sure to win. She told me once of how people would drop out from any race once they knew she was participating!

Having someone like Chogu had its perks too- first it could wow any other girl and increase your Perceived awesomeness (yes, girls are attracted to guys with pretty friends); second once any girl hears "sugarmummy" she'd most likely give up when she knows it's a pretty lady.

that trick worked well...from Scorching to Tola. Turns out she's quite the strategist. I remember when in law school i went gaga over one girl like this ;) The most consistent thing Chogu told me was, "calm down, don't rush this. Give it time. Only time will tell whether this is for real". I'm glad I listened! (Sorry I can't be more detailed. Our Treaty has a non-disclosure clause)

Talk about connections. Because of Chogu I met Osahon Osaghede (another DE student, who shared experiences about how an Angel rescued her in 2008), and I met Onome Omonigho in law school (and she turned out to be a real boost to the CLASFON CHOIR). I remember running into Onome in Area 2 while waiting for our results in October. Through Chogu I read this blogpost about gratitude by Chima Mmeje (about 1 year ago)- I was so impressed I pestered her until she shared Chima's blackberry PIN. It wouldn't surprise you to know that Chogu was one of the people Chima was grateful for. And it wouldn't surprise you to know that Chima happens to be one of the few people that make me believe the BBM isn't useless after all.

Till date I've never heard a nasty comment from her. Sure, honest accounts of stuff that happened, but never anything hateful. I remember recently when I was talking about how Mandela was once a violent man, planning bombings and attacks- she gave me this sermon about how we should look beyond what people did in their past and look at what they have become NOW- Paul, St Augustine and many Pastors today who were once cultists, robbers and rapists.

On 1st November 2013 our law school results were released. I was so excited that I didn't sleep once I saw mine. I had breakfast at the Hilton with my Dad, hit the town that night at about 9pm with my cousins and later went to Chogu's. I'd say that's the latest  I've stayed out in Abuja since we graduated but it was worth it. We talked and talked, standing  in the chilly night air  for almost 2 hours- not minding that Uche and my cousins were getting more pissed every extra minute that I stayed laughing stupidly. In those two hours we got to gist all about the last one year and some general hopes for the future. I left there feeling pumped, encouraged and...high.

Just like old times.

I will most likely annoy you by telling more stories that have no bearing on this piece. But I will say this, that Beauty, Brains and humility can exist in the same body;That ambition does not mean you have to step all over people's heads; that with the right amount of persistence (and crying), you can achieve a lot; that true friendship still exists in today's selfish world.

Happy birthday Chogu

Oya that's enough. No eyeing of the sugar mummy